A thought for today!

I found myself with tears today for someone I didn't know and never met. I was in the middle of a small cafe (having eaten much too much as usual!). My Dad - who is a funeral director - started telling me about a customer, an elderly lady, who had to bury her husband. He had died on the way to hospital and therefore there had to be an enquiry which had delayed things a bit. Eventually my Dad got a call from a social worker on behalf of this lady asking if he would arrange and conduct the funeral as this lady was very specific about the firm she wanted to use and there was no branch in her home town. She had not realised that she needed to make the arrangements and had thought the hospital would do all that for her - so the funeral had been delayed even longer than was necessary.
Dad agreed, the funeral was conducted and afterwards the social worker, who attended, asked Dad and the hearse driver to go back to the house as the lady had organised some sandwiches. What really got to me was that the only people attending was the lady, the social worker and Dad and his colleague. She had gone to the trouble of making a pile of ham sandwiches knowing that there would be no-one else at her husband's funeral. I'm sorry but I find this really difficult to deal with - how sad is that - that at the end of life there is no-one to help both mourn and celebrate?
Which leads me on to another issue I have with this whole dealing with death thing. I lost my mother two years ago - and the processing of death is an extremely impersonal and bureaucratic experience. At one of the most vulnerable times of your life you are having to deal with nameless and faceless offices, paperwork, signatures, registering etc. Decisions to make about buffets, flowers, coffins, hymns etc not to mention joint accounts, informing various departments, friends etc. The timeline is tight, and there is a specific order to things that have to be done that no-one tells you about and very few are prepared to help with. I was fortunate to have family supporting each other through this time. What about the elderly and infirm, those on their own having to deal with the grief and loss of a bereavement and yet deal with financial and far reaching decisions at the same time. Surely this has to be changed. Death is a natural part of the cycle and has been so since the beginning of time - surely we should be getting better at it by now?

Comments

Anonymous said…
Easier said that done, I guess.
If it comes as a relief....maybe not...it is the same everywhere.
Lately I have been thinking about it a lot, especially because of some family members who have gone through a lot, but are now recovering well.
However, it isn't an easy issue to deal with and more and more people try to avoid it or address it in a very cold way.
We have a saying in Portuguese : it is when in the hospital or in prison that we realize the friends we have... meaning that those who bother to come and visit are those who really care for us. I think the same applies to funerals. People no longer bother to show sympathy, and as if that wouldn't be enough...we still have to deal with the bureaucracy. I do think we are not getting better at dealing with death, and we certainly are getting worse at dealing with life (the living). :-(
Sarah Bodell said…
Having worked in and around hospices for many years I know that people can have "good deaths" and that families can be supported both through the practical and emotional elements of grieving. It is knowing that this is possible that makes me angry about situations such as the one you describe. Why can't hospitals provide similar services to hospices? Why do health professionals seem not to care sometimes? It isn't all about money, a simple kindness can go along way.

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