The girl in the diary...................
A month or so ago my Dad gave me a suitcase that belonged to my Mum in which she had ferreted away momentoes and souvenirs that were important to her during her lifetime. I knew of its existance but was never allowed to look through the things - Mum always saying "you can look when I've gone". Inside were a treasure trove of letters, cards and a couple of dairies covering the year she met my Dad and the year they got engaged.
I hadn't realised she had kept diairies, and it is this discovery that sent me to dig out my own (which I have begun to share here). On reading these I realise that they were written (in part) as a dialogue with a future reader (my later ones give advice on all sorts of things to an imagined daughter), and not being in a position to have any children I think I may have wondered who might be interested after I'm "gone". Please don't think I am being maudlin - my intention is not to court pity - but maybe to help myself understand why I now feel the need to have a voice in the world! I have also had great fun reconnecting with the girl in the diaries and her world of innocence and self-centredness.
Sunday November 11th 1979
Last Sunday we had our first rehearsal for our group. I was ever so nervous but soon got used to it and really enjoyed it. We've got no end of equipment and it sounds quite good really (modesty!!). N came in to help us, he's really good on guitar. We sang I love the Nightlife, Spirit Body and Soul and I Will Survive. Later on me and SJ went down the Beehive. I told SJ that I like N, but on Monday he phoned me up and asked me out and I realised I didn't like him in that way so I made some excuse that I was busy coz I'm doing coffee for the Old Tyme Music Hall by St Peter's Hill players. He phoned again on wednsday and thursday and I said I couldn't see him so I think he got the message. SJ thought it was really sweet of him.
I've been really depressed at school coz Sue's been really bitchy. Whatever I've said she's put me down and tried to make me look small. Everyone says it's coz she's jealous, but even if she is there's no need to be like that, so at the moment I'm steering clear of her as much as I can.
Oh, by the way, I was walking to the play the other night and this car beeped at me - it was Matt - I don't fancy him anymore I don't think.
Anyway, Saturday at the play this lady came up to me and asked if I'd take the lead part in their next play so I've got to read through the script and let her know (I might become famous yet!).
Went to Rachel's party - not many people there but it was good - I'd been to Nottingham shopping with Mum and bough a shawl and new shoes. Brian told us that we already have a booking in March at the Guildhall (help!!). Barry gave us a lift home then asked me out. I told him I was too busy but I was really embarrased as he's such a nice person I don;t want to hurt him but I couldn't go out with him. The worst thing is SJ's persuaded him to take us to Ashby next week. So I'm in a right mess.......
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